


I love you but you make me so sad

by jisungtinydick



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Dissociation, Jeonghan is an angel, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Soonyoung is sad, Unrequited Love, depersonalisation to be exact, wonwoo is mean im sorry i do love him rlly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-14 15:27:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28547871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jisungtinydick/pseuds/jisungtinydick
Summary: People are cold – even when they’re as warm as Wonwoo – they’re cold, because love is warm, and Wonwoo does not love him.
Relationships: Jeon Wonwoo/Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi
Kudos: 22





	I love you but you make me so sad

Sometimes Soonyoung loses his grip on reality. He’ll be fine one minute and the next, his mind leaves his body and enters a different place – he’s not sure why – just that it always happens when he’s near _him_. For some reason, Wonwoo’s small giggles and cute nose scrunches send Soonyoung’s mind on a journey to a different world, one where his hand is wrapped around the younger’s shoulders; where his lips are constantly scattering kisses all over his flawless skin and grazing just under his collar bones.

He feels better when he imagines it – the possibility of him being able to express his feelings for the boy and to have them reciprocated. Not happy, because he knows it’s never real, but better. He’ll let himself get swept away, leaving his body on the opposite side of the room to Wonwoo, who is half asleep on Junhui’s shoulder, mouth partially open and cute as ever. Soonyoung has no control when it happens, so he doesn’t bother fighting it; there’s no point.

In his mind, there’s no weight in his chest pulling him down whenever he thinks about Wonwoo. Of course, the overwhelming love he has for him is present, but it’s just that. In his Universe, loving Wonwoo doesn’t ever bring him sadness and pain. In his Universe, he doesn’t have to fake a smile when he sees his love happy without him, because he never _is_ without him. He likes this way.

After a few minutes, Soonyoung gets pulled back to his lifeless body, usually because of something Wonwoo has done. This time, the other is stretching his arms, a small yawn escaping as his shirt rises just enough for delicate skin to be uncovered, unknowingly crushing Soonyoung’s poor and drained heart by just the sight. It’s pathetic, he thinks, the hold Wonwoo has on him without ever even trying. He’s so zoned into everything the other is doing that he forgets there are other people around him and flinches a little when Jeonghan sits down right beside him.

The older catches on to Soonyoung’s thoughts, his expression changing to something comforting and almost like pity and he rests his hand, palm up, on Soonyoung’s knee as an invitation to hold it. Soonyoung doesn’t take it. There’s only one hand he wants to hold, and although he’s grateful for Jeonghan, it’s not his. It never will be. He knows he’s been distant with everyone lately but if Wonwoo won’t love him back, he’d rather not get attached to anyone else, even as friends. People are cold – even when they’re as warm as Wonwoo – they’re cold.

Especially on the few occasions he’d walk up behind Soonyoung and envelope him in a hug, strong arms encasing him with cosy heat, he’s still freezing. Because love is warm, and Wonwoo does not love him. When he says those words, they’re not laced with the emotion those same words have when Soonyoung says them – they’re not dripping with his blood like they are when Soonyoung says them. When Soonyoung says them, they’re whispers, and nobody else can hear them. When Wonwoo says them, the love is shouted, directed to everyone in the room, because Wonwoo is loving, he just doesn’t love Soonyoung.

When Wonwoo walks out and into the kitchen after announcing in a groggy voice that he’s thirsty, Soonyoung allows himself to breathe a little as the room becomes less suffocating. The exhale shakes and Jeonghan faces towards him again just in time to see water slowly trailing down his right cheek. As soon as the first droplet falls from his chin and silently onto the carpet by his feet, something snaps, and the rest fall violently and deafeningly as they claw at Soonyoung’s skin, scratching at his face mercilessly.

He’s powerless as Jeonghan moves his body, cold hands pulling his head to lean on his shoulder. He can hear someone else – probably Junhui – kneel down and place another cold hand on his back, rubbing gently when Soonyoung’s entire body shudders at the touch. Nobody says anything, staying still as he sobs every last bit of his energy away. He’d lost control of his body months ago but right now he feels like he doesn’t even _belong_ in his body, watching from above as he wails hopelessly, not being able to feel his fingers when he clutches Jeonghan’s hoodie.

He’s gone crazy. He’s been loving Wonwoo so hard for so long that it’s inevitably driven him insane. The door creaks open and even over the howls he’s letting out, the undeniable sound of Wonwoo’s voice reaches his ears in a mutter of an “oh”. That’s all he has to say, so Soonyoung cries harder, his throat choking up at the ferocity. Wonwoo leaves again without saying anything else, closing the door behind him.

Jeonghan whispers an apology on his behalf into Soonyoung’s messy hair, kisses the top of his head gently before bringing his hand back to the base of his neck, where his hair ends. The three stay like that for as long as Soonyoung needs, and when Jihoon walks in with take away chicken in his hands, he throws the bags to the ground carelessly just to comfort Soonyoung as quickly as he can. Nothing registers in his mind anymore, his only thoughts “Wonwoo doesn’t love you”. Wonwoo doesn’t love him, because he never walks back in to say he does.


End file.
